Grief can be defined as the response to the loss of something (anything) that is deemed important to us. In this first article on grief, I thought I would share some of my thoughts regarding grief in the context of human loss. The death of someone who plays a key role in our life.
The word ‘grief’ is often associated with the death of another human being who is important to us. There are many factors which contribute to our experience of this grief. These factors include the nature of the relationship, the extent to which that person was involved in our lives, the age of the person who has died, the nature of the death and whether it was expected. Our grief may also be impacted by our personality, life experiences, upbringing, social supports, financial situation and culture. Grief is most definitely not a ‘one size fits all’. Although people’s experiences maybe similar, they will never be exactly the same.
SOCIETY’S ASSUMPTIONS AND EXPECTATIONS
In our society and in the workplace, we are in danger of making assumptions regarding the nature of the relationship affected by death and grief. We may assume that the loss of a parent, partner or sibling is more painful than the loss of an auntie, friend or work colleague. It is wrong to make these assumptions. Relationships are not based on definitions or labels. They are based on the dynamic between two people in the real world. If the auntie was like a mother to someone, then their death will be keenly felt. If a sibling relationship has been distant, this death may not be so painful to deal with. Also, some people may not be able to share their relationship to a person who has died for personal reasons.
Bottom line, we must not presume to know how someone is feeling when they tell us someone has died. We must not base our assumptions on labels but, instead, ask them how they are. What was the nature of their relationship with this person and how is it affecting them?
TWO USEFUL GRIEF MODELS
There are a variety of models for grief. Here are two that I think are particularly helpful.
Dual Process Model for Grief: This model describes two processes that a bereaved person experiences, which come and go at different times. Loss-orientated coping, which is characterised by feeling the loss and pain of grief. Restoration-orientated coping, in which the focus is on rebuilding life without the person who has died. This is a helpful model in explaining why a bereaved person may oscillate between grief and seemingly coping with life. It’s totally normal.
Tonkin’s Model for Grief: This model was created by Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor. It is based on the concept that grief doesn’t change in size. Instead, through time, we rebuild our lives around the grief. There may always be times when the rawness of grief re-emerges. However, generally, as time goes on, life can be experienced and enjoyed without the person who has died. Picture a golf ball in boxes which increase in size.
EXPERIENCING AND MANAGING GRIEF
There is a lot of information on the internet regarding how grief affects us and how we should manage it so I won’t go into detail here. I just want to say a few things.
– Grief can affect our mental, physical, emotional and social health. Through my experience with patients and clients, I’ve come to realise the importance of allowing ourselves to feel its pain. To be real. Being ‘strong’ tends to block and delay the grief process and causes problems down the line.
-People often don’t know how to help someone who is grieving. They may stay away or say the wrong thing. We mustn’t be afraid to tell people what we need from them…..space, a hug, to listen, meals …. Usually they want to help, they just don’t know how!
– It’s important to be kind to ourselves and not to allow any thoughts or feelings of guilt, shame or regret to fester. We should acknowledge them but then try to let them go, forgiving ourselves if we need to.
-Sometimes it helps to talk to someone. Other times being alone with grief feels right. Writing down feelings and thoughts can help.
https://williamsstressmanagement.co.uk/contact/In my work with clients, bereavement and grief sometimes play a role in the stress a person is experiencing. It may relate to experiences years before or to a recent loss. There can be issues relating to ‘survivor’s guilt’, self-blame, and regret as well as delayed grief and the pain of loss. If you think I might be able to help you, please get in touch to arrange a chat to explore your situation further.