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EXPLORING LOW SELF-WORTH

This article explores the issue of low self-worth. Firstly, it is important to understand the difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to the more superficial feelings about oneself and can fluctuate. It is dependent on external factors such as achievements, money, appearances and approval from others. Self-worth, on the other hand, refers to a deeper sense of knowing your worth as a human being. It is more constant and is generally unaffected by external influences. This article will focus on self-worth.

How do you rate yourself as a person? Not in terms of your achievements or natural talents but as a human being? People with a healthy dose of self-worth generally have an inner confidence about themselves in the world. They tend to believe they have a voice worth hearing and don’t worry about what others may or may not think about them. They usually have confidence in their abilities and don’t worry about getting things wrong. They are generally focused on the present. They don’t tend to ruminate over things that have happened or worry about things that might happen. They often appear confident, but not arrogant, and are usually resilient in the face of stress.

A person with low self-worth is much more reliant on external factors for validation. They may also develop unhealthy thinking patterns and be more vulnerable to stress and burnout.

Our self-worth develops in our childhood years and can be influenced by a number of factors. Particularly important are our relationships with parents and siblings and other significant people in our lives, including peers. As we go through life, our self-worth can be influenced by people and circumstances and by actions we take ourselves.

I thought I would talk about some of the issues I come across in my client work:-

Perfectionist traits

People with low self-worth may develop perfectionist traits. They feel the need to do things perfectly. If things are not perfect, some people feel a personal sense of failure.  Others worry that people will think less of them. Perfectionist tendencies can affect some, or every, aspect of a person’s life and can be a major risk factor for stress and burnout.

People-pleasing traits

This desire to keep people happy can be for a variety of reasons. Examples include avoidance of conflict, a way to earn friendship, a need to be liked and/or loved.  It often develops in our early years as a way of responding to situations. For example, a child may sense their parents, or parent, ‘love/s’ their sibling/s more than them. The appreciation and gratitude received when being helpful or giving to others can feel like love, which drives this behaviour. Such a situation can arise when a sibling/s has an obvious talent, or looks, which attract positive attention. People-pleasing can also develop where there has been verbal or physical abuse towards a young child. This might be in the home, or playground bullying at school. The child learns to keep people happy as a way of avoiding hurt.

People-pleasing tendencies can also develop in response to circumstances in adult life. Where there is abuse in a relationship, someone may learn to keep the other person happy to avoid their anger. These people-pleasing traits are a risk factor for stress and burnout. It’s all about why we are doing it. It is healthy to give to others out of a desire to help or give joy. However, it is not healthy when we NEED to give to others as a means of validating ourselves or to feel safe.

Negative rumination and catastrophising

People with low self-worth are more likely to ruminate over their words or actions. They may worry about whether they have said or done something they shouldn’t and what this will mean going forwards. There may also be a tendency to ruminate over the words and actions of others. Wondering if they are now held in lower regard. Such thoughts can lead to concern over how they are perceived as a partner, friend, work colleague or employee. Low self-worth can lead to anxiety which can sometimes feel overwhelming. Catastrophising is a common result, fixating on a worst case scenario. These may include the fear of losing a job or being dumped by a friend or partner.

Guilt v Shame

Another tendency that people with low self-worth tend to struggle with is to treat guilt and shame as the same. Guilt refers to actions: ‘I did a bad thing’. However, shame refers to WHO we are. It reflects self-loathing and changes the focus to ‘I am a bad person’. People with low self-worth may feel guilty for something which isn’t their fault. They may also perceive guilt when there is nothing to feel guilty about. But most damaging of all is to allow guilt over an action to become shame about who they are. We must not allow any guilt we feel about something we have done, define who we are. We must not turn a frustration over something we have done into negative thoughts about WHO we are. Shame can be very detrimental to mental health.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT LOW SELF-WORTH?

It takes time and perseverance to improve self-worth. We need to build our internal validation and reduce negative self-talk. The aim is to become less reliant on external influences to feel ok about ourselves. Here are a few ideas:-

Building ourselves up

Affirmations: Write a list of your positive qualities, including your personality traits as well as your skills. Make them into ‘I am’ statements and find a way to recite a few of them to yourself every day. Why not  ask your friends and family members to tell you what they think and include these in your list. Even if you don’t believe them, recite them regularly and gradually they will sink into your subconscious.

Reflections: Allow yourself time, at the end of your day, to reflect. What has gone well? What were you grateful for? What joy have you brought to others just by being you? (eg smiling at someone in the street, writing a kind email)

Reflect on the statement: ‘I am enough as I am’. If you feel happy with it, use it regularly.

Stopping self-critical thoughts

The first step is being self-aware and recognising negative self-talk:-

Please notice if you use the following words about yourself: rubbish, failure, hate, bad. They are an absolute NO. If they slip out, please find a positive way to complete the sentence. If you notice them on the tip of your tongue, stop them being uttered.

Overcoming negative self-talk and rumination: Please learn to recognise negative self-talk and rumination and take action! I encourage clients to come up with a catchphrase which they can confidently say to themselves when they notice negative rumination: eg Stop it! Rebecca says no! I am enough as I am! I like who I am! After using the catchphrase, find a distraction. Something which will engage your brain and take your thoughts onto other things. Sometimes you might need to challenge the negative self-talk, providing reasons for yourself why it is wrong. CBT is a more formal way of doing this challenging.

Dealing with guilt and shame: If you are feeling guilty about something, stop and reflect on whether that guilt is justified. If it is, decide how you are going to deal with it. An apology might be needed, as well as forgiving yourself. Do NOT allow yourself to feel bad about yourself as a person. It might help to create a catchphrase to say to yourself, such as ‘I like myself.’ Look through your list of affirmations and build yourself up.

Low self-worth stops us fulfilling our potential. By exploring why we feel this way and learning how to think and behave differently we can create change. We can free ourselves to fly!

If you would like some help in tackling low self-worth or anxiety, do get in touch.